I dont write here much anymore. Well done, Dawn, you win today’s Captain Obvious badge.
Part of it is work. I used to be able to blog from the old office. Commenting on my life, the world and the people around me… An almost constant stream of consciousness log of whatever caught my fancy.
I cant do that at my current job… probably wouldn’t be able to even if I had access. The pace is all wrong for it. Before I had hours of slow time, now it’s a heavy enough that I doubt I’d be able to string more than a few sentences together. Then, when I get home, im tired of talking, tired of thinking, just looking for a little quiet, if only in the recesses of my own mind.
Add to that this… disconnectedness.
Like today. I loaded onto my trusty iPod one of my oddball music play lists. An old one, I used to keep burned to cd before, for listening to on the way to work. It’s a crazy mix of old upbeat pop tunes. In the mix is this old tune most folks would only remember as ‘that song, from that Melanie Griffith movie”. Used to be, that listening to that, while weaving through the city streets, I’d feel connected. A tiny cog in the huge machine that I lived and worked and played in, but yes, a cog that helped, in some small way, to make that machine run. I dont get that feeling here.
Even after all these years, my heart beats to a different rhythm than the one that surrounds me here. Sometimes I still feel it pulling at me.
There was hope in it too, because there was always the chance that one could break through the ceiling into managment. Get out of the grind. Make some real money. Make a difference. Not here. Not in this job, maybe not in this city.
Back home, folks rooted for the underdog, not to win the lottery, but to make it to the executive suite by working your ass off. It feels like in this town, you’re expected to work your ass off and just STAY in the rank and file. Never have ambition to get further, never want to. Maybe it’s just the mentality at this particular company, but part of me wants to think that this is how Canadians think, if only because i’m surrounded by it. Maybe that’s not fair, but it feels like that, a lot. I dont mind being dispensible, I mind being wasted. Right now, I dont know if I’m being wasted, I just feel like this is some kind of treadmill that I’m never going to get off of. No way to get up.
I dont mind giving my time and energy and nervous system to a job, but I need to feel like I could possibly get somewhere. I dont feel that here, I just feel like im being punished for going at my work in the spirit intended, rather than the letter. Dead End, despite the recruiting hype.